The Meaning Behind ‘Pink Tote Lid Moments’

At the risk of stating the obvious, parenting is hard. Along with all of the joy, laughter, and love, it’s a journey that also includes the occasional frustrating moment when a parent may lose their cool.

But sometimes those moments of anger can seem outsized and may even lead to trauma for the child involved. Hundreds of trending videos posted on TikTok with the hashtag or title “pink tote lid moment” delve into this very issue. 

The videos are largely being posted by users who are sharing tearful reflections about deeply traumatic, abusive, and even violent childhood moments involving their parents.

It all started, however, with a video posted by a visibly upset teen girl, titled “pink tote lid moment,” in which she shares details about her mother yelling at her to help move “pink tote lids.” The video appears to have opened the floodgates of social media commentary on challenging parent-child dynamics, with more than a few parents also now weighing in. 

Breaking Down ‘Pink Tote Lid Moment’

TikTok is currently awash in videos with the hashtags #pinktotelidmoment, #pinktotelid, and #trauma, #toxicfamily, #childhoodtrauma, or some variation of those terms.

The original post behind this still growing trend has since been deleted. It continues to be visible online because other TikTok users have “stitched” (read: reposted) the video within their own videos. The source video shows a teen whispering in a dark room about how her mother recently yelled at her. 

The teenager says her mother banged on the bathroom door while the teen was getting out of the shower. In an expletive filled rage, the mom demanded that her daughter get out of the bathroom because her parents needed help. The confused teen asked her mother what help was needed and was told to put the “goddamn pink tote lids in my f**cking bedroom. The pink f**cking tote lids. Are you f**cking dumb?”

The teenage girl goes on to recall how her father then gets involved, yelling at her also, and that her parents were suddenly “both just going off.”

On the heels of this video, a steady stream of other young social media users began posting their own emotional childhood moments involving what the child perceives to be outsized or unnecessarily harsh parental anger. In some cases the individuals are crying and in more than a few examples, the videos are accompanied by sad music, most commonly the Billie Eilish ballad “What Was I Made For?”

When the trend initially began in late November, the videos focused on seemingly less serious incidents of parents scolding children. But the vast majority of recent videos (which even include trigger warnings) discuss deeply disturbing incidents, such as one mother wielding a knife against her two young children. Others discuss being beaten with a belt or getting yelled at by a parent and thrown out of the house. These are just a few examples of the extreme trauma increasingly being shared in the “pink tote lid moment” videos. 

And bringing the trend full-circle, some mothers have waded into the topic and posted videos on TikTok responding. One, who goes by christina_momofboth, points out in her own video, “We are human. Moms are going to mess up.” Christina adds that “teens don’t have the best attitude all the time” and “moms have so much stress on them.”

Experiencing Anger as a Parent

The unsettling descriptions of violence and potential abuse shared by some young TikTok users as part of the “pink tote lid” trend are a topic that requires a different, more appropriate forum. However, it’s truly important to take the time to address the feelings of anger that parents can experience during the course of raising a child.

As TikTok user christina_momofboth points out, parents are not perfect. They’re likely to mess up now and again, including getting angry, given how stressful parenting can be in certain moments. 

“It’s OK to feel frustrated at times, as we are human,” says Alisha Simpson-Watt, LCSW, BCBA, LBA, executive clinical director and founder of Collaborative ABA Services, which specializes in applied behavior analysis for children and adolescents. “Parenting can be stressful for parents as they too are navigating the world and are continuing to learn about parenting as they go, on top of all the daily stressors that can come their way.”

At times, parents can displace their anger and frustration on others, including their children, Simpson-Watt continues. And as the adults in the room, it’s important to be aware of our own thoughts and feelings, and how they impact our behaviors.

It’s also crucial to recognize the difference between getting occasionally upset or lashing out versus a consistent pattern of outbursts as your general approach to parenting, says Samantha Quigneaux, LMFT, national director of family therapy Services for Newport Healthcare.

“Everyone has the experience of feeling angry, frustrated, exhausted, or becoming upset, which may include crying or raised voices. Parents are no exception,” says Quigneaux. “The many facets of parenting can be overwhelming, and having children may test the limits of patience.” 

This can be especially true when a child exhibits behavior that makes the parent feel scared, or invalidates or contradicts what a caregiver expects. Other examples may be when a child does not listen to their parents or breaks family rules.

Whatever the circumstances happen to be, experts agree that it’s important for parents to be aware of how they’re responding to triggers and identify approaches that help manage their emotions and reactions in a constructive, respectful way, modeling appropriate behavior for children.

Tips To Managing Anger as a Parent

Parents who feel that they’re having “pink tote lid moments,” may need support regulating emotions and behaviors more effectively, as well as help managing or reducing stress, adds Simpson-Watt.

Here are some tips:

• Explore opportunities to bond and not let things fester. “This helps create a positive relationship between the child and parent,” explains Simpson-Watt. Bonding moments can include any manner of fun activities, such as going to the movies, playing board games, or even simply sharing a meal out together.
• Practice gratitude regularly. This strategy has been linked to positive thinking, as it helps eliminate negative thoughts. “Take a moment each day to be thankful for something as small as the ability to wake up in the morning,” says Simpson-Watt.
• Get adequate sleep and rest. It may seem like a very basic tip, but the reality is fatigue can contribute to our ability to regulate emotions and think clearly. “Establish a bedtime routine for both you and your child to get adequate rest,” says Simpson-Watt.
• Schedule “me time” each day to focus on your needs. To be your best self as a parent, you need downtime. Be sure to prioritize this in your day or week. This might include engaging in several minutes of meditation each day to help lower stress or participating in your favorite activity, such as reading a book or listening to music.
• Pause before engaging. Find a moment to ground yourself before engaging with your child during a stressful moment. “Take a deep breath before reacting to a frustrating situation,” Quigneaux explains. “Taking a moment to pause and breathe allows for a moment of calm between feeling angered and reacting. The goal is to thoughtfully respond rather than to immediately react.”
• Reframe. It can also be helpful to adjust your perspective and expectation regarding the situation at hand. “When you feel like you’re getting angry with your child’s behavior, take a moment to think and reflect on what emotional need they are asking to be met,” suggests Quigneaux. “Often adults tend to think their children are ‘attention seeking’ when they’re really connection seeking. What safe emotion can you provide to your child even when things are tense?”
• Acknowledgement. In moments of stress, frustration, or anger, no one is at their finest. “We typically feel out of control or flooded,” says Quigneaux. One strategy to apply in such moments is acknowledging that reality. For example, you could try saying: “This subject is really hard for us, and I do not think it is going to be productive to discuss now.” Or parents might personalize it: “I know you want to talk about this and it is important to you. I want to honor that and I am not able to do so right now.” Or short and clear: “We both need space for our emotional safety. I am going to my room to take a break.”

What To Do if You Lashed Out

Practicing approaches to manage anger and head it off at the pass is merely one piece of the puzzle, experts say. It’s also important to understand how to effectively address moments when your anger gets the best of you.

It’s critical to address the situation when you’ve lashed out at a child and set a positive example of emotional intelligence, in order to avoid losing the trust of your child. This can include apologizing for your outburst.

“Apologizing is a good idea as it models vulnerability and accountability,” says Quigneaux. “It’s important to take responsibility, acknowledge the behavior, and even discuss how you would have liked to positively manage the difficult situation.”

Equally important to note, apologizing doesn’t mean you’re no longer hurt, scared, or frustrated as a parent. It simply means you understand that how that experience was displayed was not effective. 

An apology could include something along the lines of: “I am sorry I lost my cool. I never want you to feel shamed or afraid. I was feeling scared and expressed my frustration in a way I do not feel good about. I do, however, still want to discuss how we got here,” says Quigneaux.

Taking the time to express an apology can ultimately lead to a healthier parent-child relationship. Especially given that parents are considered role models and teachers, and are supposed to represent safe spaces for children.

In addition to apologizing, parents should consider the incident a learning experience that can help the parent grow through self-reflection.

“It’s important for parents to be kind to themselves and give themselves grace through this journey,” says Simpson-Watt. “As role models and teachers, we want to model accountability for our actions to teach our children the importance of self-reflection and learning from our mistakes.”