For some couples, sex is as easy as it ever was (lucky them). But for most, it waxes and wanes and changes over time. And generally speaking, it doesn’t happen nearly as often as it did in the honeymoon phase. When you look around at your friends and acquaintances, it’s easy to imagine that you and your partner might not be keeping up — that everyone else is probably having more sex than you and is happier for it. So, how often do most couples have sex? In reality, no one is having sex as much as you think, experts say. And it’s definitely not an indicator of a happy, perfect relationship to have sex all the time.
Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist and expert on sex and relationships, conducted a survey of around 70,000 people. Of the respondents, 75% fell into three different buckets of how often they have sex with their partner:
- Two to three times per month
- Once a week
- Two to three times per week
“On average, people with kids have slightly less sex than couples that don’t have kids, but I think most people would think it’s drastically lower, and that was not in our findings,” she notes.
In Marin’s survey, most respondents believed other couples have sex two to three times per week, even though only roughly 25% of the study participants put up those kinds of numbers. Not only did they think this amount was the norm, but they also believed it to be a healthy amount to strive for.
That said, Marin feels frequency is the wrong thing to focus on. “I truly don’t think there’s any specific amount of sex that is ‘healthy,'” she says. “How much sex should we be having is the wrong question for us to be thinking about because, ultimately, the quality of sex matters way more than the quantity of sex.”
When we think everyone else is having all this great sex, we tend to make ourselves do the same. But forcing yourself into sex when the intimacy isn’t actually satisfying lowers your desire over time, Marin explains. “Unfortunately, a lot of people, especially women, if we ask them to tell us about the sex that they’re having, will describe sex that feels pretty routine. It’s boring. They do the same things over and over again. A lot of women will say it’s really more about my male partner. There’s not really anything in it for me, and I’m not orgasming,” she says. “If we focus on the quality of sex, that can make so much more of a difference.”
Focusing on quality means asking yourself some key questions, Marin says. Are you feeling connected to your partner? Are you doing the activities you want to be doing in the bedroom? Are you experiencing pleasure and reaching orgasm? “I find that once couples focus more on the quality of the sex that they’re having, the quantity kind of naturally falls into place. It’s not something that couples are worried about so much anymore once they’re having sex that feels really good to both of them,” she says.
Marin also collected data on the couples’ satisfaction with their own sex lives. Among the groups, there was no difference between the couples who were intimate two to three times per week versus once a week versus two to three times per month. In short, more sex didn’t mean happier relationships.
“As a sex therapist, I’ve worked with couples who are having sex multiple times a day and feeling disconnected and unhappy and unsatisfied, and I’ve worked with couples who had sex a couple times a year, and they were really satisfied and happy in general,” she says. “With sex, it’s something that we need to make an effort to do. We have to carve out that time; we have to open ourselves up to connecting with our partner. But again, there’s no magic number that if you hit this quota, everything is fine in your sex life.”
Basically, if you’re satisfied with your sex life, great. Don’t impose any criteria on it. If you’re not satisfied, however, it might be time to involve a sex therapist — especially if you and your partner have been trying to make a change without much success so far. “If you’re struggling to talk about sex, if your sex life isn’t what you would like it to be, if you feel curious about what your sex life could be, sex therapy is amazing. I’m obviously biased, but I definitely recommend that people seek it out,” Marin says.
So, rest easy knowing that as long as you and your partner are happy with your bedroom habits, there’s nothing you have to change. And if you could use some help with your intimacy, it’s out there.
